You're Gonna (Manifest) Change

"But you're gonna change,
you're gonna change,
you've just about made up your mind.
You're gonna change,
you're gonna change,
and when you leave it all behind,
what will the past remember,
what will the future bring
when you walk out?"
--Matthew Sweet

Things are changing. I can feel them changing, and I am aware that I am causing them to change, so the time to be very aware of how I am manifesting change is something I need to focus on, and hence, this post.

The lyrics above once prompted a revolution in my world. It was 1996, I was working as a Security Guard, making $8.35 an hour, and my best hope was that one day I could be assistant supervisor on the 4-12 shift: true shit, that was as good as I thought my life could possibly get, someday. I knew I wanted more, though I couldn't articulate it, but the possibility of my life changing seemed like it was wedded to a fate beyond my control.

I had things going for me, it wasn't all grim. I had a relationship (unhealthy), a dog (who I loved), an apartment (I hated), no debt, an active, though unachieving martial arts life in Daoist and Indonesian martial arts, and I was very interested in Ceremonial Magick. I would say that the martial arts and the magick were really the two things working for me, but I didn't know nor think that I could DO anything with my life with them.

In October of 1996, on Halloween, I went to Salem for the first time (for Halloween), and it ended up being an experience that was fun on one angle, tough on another, and the next day I found myself walking the streets, and this Matthew Sweet song from 1995 came into my head, and while singing it I say a statue in a store of the Egyptian God of Wisdom and Magick, Thoth, which I impulse bought (but couldn't really afford), and after bringing him home for the magickal altar, the next night I had a dream, and that dream created the tapestry for the life I would live for the next 5 years. With ought going into details, that one dream predicted I would study Philosophy at College, I would go to Yale, I would leave my unhappy relationship and start dating a close friend of mine, suffer from a horrific battle with my mental health, I would lose my dog, quit my job in security, and a bunch of other things that did indeed become reality. I applied to College in Winter of 1997, started in the Fall, quite my security job in 1998, suffered a mental collapse in the same month, left my relationship in 2000, started dating my friend the same year, got into Yale in 2003, it all came true, and as it did, the words to Matthew Sweet's song, several of his more "I'm gonna leave this shit behind me" type of songs were guiding lights to my journey, even as, as the dream had spoken to me, I would be getting more and more Goth.

Now, whether or not the dream gave me insight into where I was going and had no part in is something I no longer believe in, though at the time I certainly believed in Fate. I think that the dream I had gave me a glimpse at a life that I had thought impossible until I dreamt it, and then I followed the vision, believed in it, and what I believed in came true. It would be a short time later, as an academic, that it began to dawn on me in my Mystical (Kabbalah) studies that there could be a relationship between thoughts and reality. It is true that I had heard certain phrases, studied alchemy, and the truth was there, but it was just words, it was not truth yet.

I am a great victim of self-sabotage. I have brought myself to the level of wonders and greatness and then decided that I wasn't worthy nor good enough and suddenly chased the dreams and good times away. Sometimes, the things I have thought into reality were poorly thought out and then figuring out how to deal with my new monsters became a whole other issue. I created PhD offers and then ran, opportunities to get published, lived in one of my dream cities, gotten my hands on things I thought I could never afford, become friends with people I never thought I would have access to, and then pushed it all away. I have also created, at times, less for myself than I truly deserved (my shitty apartment, shitty jobs, and poverty in Portland were definitely the way I thought they would be).

There is no doubt I have a great life now! I have a beautiful wife, I have my cats, I live in the part of Boston I had envisioned I would live in, I have multiple high-paying jobs (I am already on track for making $75K this year....as an ADJUNCT!), credit, great things that I own, a PhD waiting to be started in the Fall, I work where I want to work, and while there are things I am still waiting to manifest (a full time teaching job, a schedule that permits ease and access to Yoga, transitioning into a more active writing life where I teach Creative Writing, go to readings, get my work published, a lot more travel, a house in the mountains that is also a short hike into the city) the life that I truly want, that I feel is calling me more and more these days. I keep feeling like change is coming, like I am bursting at the seams to change, that there are great things in my life but they are subtracted by the things I don't want far more these days than I would like them to be. My motto these days keeps coming out of my mouth as "change is coming, my life is about to change for the better," and yet, even feeling like it will change for the better, it is going to change for the better, I must admit, that I am scared for any change or risk, which of course hinders my ability to manifest effective change.

Since I left my first wife, I have been terrified of failure. I shouldn't be, I am a survivor of the highest quality, I know how to manifest success, I am a hard worker, I have a partner who works hard, but still, I fear not being a success, not having a place to live for myself and my cats and my family, and this fear of failure is constantly throwing failure into the success matrix of the life I'm creating. My weight gain, my health issues, my lack of Yoga practice and physical health are clearly signs that my fear of being fat, of not having time to practice and monitor my health has indeed manifesting these things into my life. I am starting to feel, to realize (especially with the birth of my current Chaos Magick practice, admiration of Grant Morrison and Alan Moore, the 40 Below Fruity woman), that if I keep holding onto that fear, it will keep holding onto me: if you want change then you have to be willing to let the old life pass away, you've gotta let go of the reigns if you want to change the direction the carriage is going in (time to get new horses, a new carriage, a new way). The importance of being in control of my manifestation, of how I direct my life and where it is going is a very serious issue for me.

For example: I want to work less, as far as teaching goes, but I don't want to lose my ability to support myself (two ideas that are linked in my brain). I need to focus on the reality that I can teach less and still make an abundance of money to support myself. I can work less and make more money, even. I will end up with a full time teaching job, or two part-time teaching jobs, and they will allow me to abundantly support myself, my family, and have the time I need to do the other things I feel like I should be doing and living.

Today I saw a movie, it was REALLY depressing and tragic, but the first 20 minutes of it, the characters had a part of my dream life: house in the mountains that was a short trip into the city, the man had a beautiful tattooed wife (I got that part covered), he was living his creative dreams, he had a daughter, nights sitting in front of the fire playing music, traveling to do his art, and there was so much there that I wanted, I just yelled out, "He has my life!" as if someone had stolen my life. For those first 20 minutes, I wanted that life (he can keep the rest of the movie).

I think that a lot of people, including myself, are scared of change. Two years ago a friend offered me a Yoga job that would have been GREAT, but I got scared and pushed it away. That job would have supported me, my family, gave me the time to write, and kept my Yoga practice alive. I got  full time academic (non-teaching) job last year, thanks to a good friend, and I kept projecting so much shit into it, and everything I projected, came to pass. I created a new life, new work, new opportunities, visualized the success and work and money that have come to pass, but I have also manifested this semester;s work schedule that has me working 6 days a week, working on the seventh, and we are only 3 weeks in and I am already BURNT. I don't know why I accepted that fifth, and then sixth, and then eighth class, but now I am thinking to myself how I wish I could get fired from three of them and damn it, that almost happened last week! The Universe is listening to me loud and clear, so much so that it gave me the jobs and schedule and money I asked for, but also the stress and overload that I envisioned as well. I have already promised myself the following: I will be wise and investing with my money, I will only work 3-4 classes this Summer and give myself an abundance of time to live and do the other things I feel I need to do, my full time job will kick in with the Fall, and this over-stress will end.  And yet, is this the best I can do? Again, I get scared, I get afraid, I begin to push back on what I truly want, I believe things to be worse than they are, I envision debt instead of being responsible with my wealth and creating abundance, and the whole time I feel like I am just holding my breath until the end of April when I get to live again. I even put my Yoga account on freeze until the end of April because I gave up on being able to go at all this semester. While I feel like I am in this for the haul, that I have to live out my manifestation right now until the next one begins, there is this PUSH on me, this thing in my ear that there is a life SO MUCH better waiting for me to seize it, to begin it, and I should just grab it, make it happen, and not be afraid of letting things around me burn (like I did with my first marriage) so that my true life can really take hold.

What would this life look like? I think I know, I thought I know, I know that my cats and wife are three things I want to come with me, I want to keep on teaching I know that much, but what else and how else, I have ideas, feelings, shadows, forms, and I need to be very clear that what I ask for, I am prepared to have. There is definitely a more detailed post and some writing that needs to happen.

For now, change, that old Matthew Sweet song about things changing, this feeling that my life is being approached with powerful and potent changing forces, that nothing is impossible, and that now is the time to take hold of the vision, of the wants and desires, of the dream that should be, and will be, a reality, is coming at me like Vikings at a monastery. I have to be brave enough to be the Vikings, not scared enough to pray I'm not the monks. I am scared, that is true, but what is more true is that I have everything I need to in my life, in my being, to let go of the fear, to embrace my life, and manifest the ME I want to be and live, and no one and nothing else.

Change is coming, for the BETTER, I'm about to walk out of this "space" I've created, and to be precise about the road I walk, and how I can and will walk it. This must be the door of 10,000 wonders, and even more, abundant happy moments.