I saw this article on Rebel Society the other day and decided that to celebrate my 45th Birthday (January 13th) I would take a serious shot at answering these questions, see if they helped with some evaluation, some direction for the next 1/2 of my life.
The link to the original article is HERE, and you can read the detailed information for the questions as well.
Enjoy the ride! (I was brutally honest with this)
6. What do you want to be remembered by?
12. Who do you love the most? What 10 people would you put on a lifeboat in case of a universal tsunami / asteroid / zombie attack or any other realistic end of the world? Make a list.
* Man, this quiz is making me realize what a lonely, unlikeable, fucker I am.
13. What worries you the most? Why?
14. What type of people inspire you and make you come alive?
*The type of people who inspire me are the ones who leave the grind behind, go after their dreams, and become masters of their craft while doing so.
15. What type of people bring you down and make you hate yourself?
16. Who are your mentors? What have they taught you?
The link to the original article is HERE, and you can read the detailed information for the questions as well.
Enjoy the ride! (I was brutally honest with this)
1. How much have you loved?
* Too much in the past, not hardly in the present. I think I wear wounds of mistrust on my sleeve, and I'm at the stage of my life where I no longer let people in too close. I have had stages in my life with lots of friends, lots of lovers, but when I've gotten close to someone I've usually gotten burnt. I think that when I like or love someone I totally throw myself into that person, and in the last few years I've definitely changed my approach on that, especially because I tend to throw myself into people and not calculate (or care) as to what I lose in the throwing. I am VERY cautious with how much I love, who I love, and only have a little space these days for people to love, people I let get close to me, and people I reserve the pain of loving from a distance for.
* My friend CD, a few years ago, once compared me to Rilke, something that Salome said about Rilke, that he loved so much and so deeply, but had been burnt because of the intensity of his love, that he was never really able to truly Love someone ever again, or that he Loved them so much that they could never meet his needs or degrees and capacity to Love and be Loved. That comparison has haunted me for the last 6 years because I think it's so dead on, and it's such a curse.
* Too much in the past, not hardly in the present. I think I wear wounds of mistrust on my sleeve, and I'm at the stage of my life where I no longer let people in too close. I have had stages in my life with lots of friends, lots of lovers, but when I've gotten close to someone I've usually gotten burnt. I think that when I like or love someone I totally throw myself into that person, and in the last few years I've definitely changed my approach on that, especially because I tend to throw myself into people and not calculate (or care) as to what I lose in the throwing. I am VERY cautious with how much I love, who I love, and only have a little space these days for people to love, people I let get close to me, and people I reserve the pain of loving from a distance for.
* My friend CD, a few years ago, once compared me to Rilke, something that Salome said about Rilke, that he loved so much and so deeply, but had been burnt because of the intensity of his love, that he was never really able to truly Love someone ever again, or that he Loved them so much that they could never meet his needs or degrees and capacity to Love and be Loved. That comparison has haunted me for the last 6 years because I think it's so dead on, and it's such a curse.
2. What do you love doing that you aren’t doing?
a. I definitely LOVE to travel. I think that I'm an unpleasant fuck when I'm not traveling around, moving about, going on adventures alone or with others. I have known that since I was very young, and my life feels a bit off that I don't travel much, that I am not engaged in travel and wandering from place to place on a regular basis.
b. I love Yoga, and I'm certainly not doing that these days as well. I just don't have the time for it, it seems.
c. I love wandering around alone, I like being able to take off, for days even, and not tell anyone where I'm going, and just sink deeply into myself, my wits, my survival, my ability to find adventures.
d. I love playing music, and I've always missed not being in a band, not being on stage anymore. I just don't have time to practice more often, the money to play the instruments I want, or even the resources and time to form a band.
e. I would LOVE (more than anything else) to be a full time professor. I miss the life of being 100% in the mind, writing papers, going to conferences, and traveling for research.
f. I also love going to writer's retreats, and when I have the time to be a writer, I do love writing.
a. I definitely LOVE to travel. I think that I'm an unpleasant fuck when I'm not traveling around, moving about, going on adventures alone or with others. I have known that since I was very young, and my life feels a bit off that I don't travel much, that I am not engaged in travel and wandering from place to place on a regular basis.
b. I love Yoga, and I'm certainly not doing that these days as well. I just don't have the time for it, it seems.
c. I love wandering around alone, I like being able to take off, for days even, and not tell anyone where I'm going, and just sink deeply into myself, my wits, my survival, my ability to find adventures.
d. I love playing music, and I've always missed not being in a band, not being on stage anymore. I just don't have time to practice more often, the money to play the instruments I want, or even the resources and time to form a band.
e. I would LOVE (more than anything else) to be a full time professor. I miss the life of being 100% in the mind, writing papers, going to conferences, and traveling for research.
f. I also love going to writer's retreats, and when I have the time to be a writer, I do love writing.
3. What person or type of person would you choose as a life companion?
* This is one area that I think I have covered. back in 2009 I wrote out a list of the person I wanted to be with, and then she appeared 9 months later. I of course, made a few mistakes of wanting things that were based on NOT being in common with the person I was with at the time (for example, I MISS being held all night, and miss public affection, things I didn't think I wanted back then, miss having a bit more optimism), but I really think that from a fetish sense, from a partner to live with sense, someone who gets me sense, I think I got this going for me right now.
* This is one area that I think I have covered. back in 2009 I wrote out a list of the person I wanted to be with, and then she appeared 9 months later. I of course, made a few mistakes of wanting things that were based on NOT being in common with the person I was with at the time (for example, I MISS being held all night, and miss public affection, things I didn't think I wanted back then, miss having a bit more optimism), but I really think that from a fetish sense, from a partner to live with sense, someone who gets me sense, I think I got this going for me right now.
4. Where do you want to live?
* Two places come to mind:
* First, I would love to live in Asheville again. I loved that place and didn't have long enough to live there and truly appreciate it. BUT, I think I would like to live in-town, in a mountanous, misty, smoky place, so Burlington (VT), or living in the Blue Ridge, White, Great Smoky mountains would also be great for me. I definitely need town life, progressive town life, but I also need to be surrounded by mountains and have all four seasons.
*Second, I would love to live in France. I really love the feeling of France, the culture, the people. I have never felt like an "American," not the way other Americans seem to, but I absolutely relate to the French life, the way many of them see the world and live in it, so I think I would make a great Frenchman.
* Two places come to mind:
* First, I would love to live in Asheville again. I loved that place and didn't have long enough to live there and truly appreciate it. BUT, I think I would like to live in-town, in a mountanous, misty, smoky place, so Burlington (VT), or living in the Blue Ridge, White, Great Smoky mountains would also be great for me. I definitely need town life, progressive town life, but I also need to be surrounded by mountains and have all four seasons.
*Second, I would love to live in France. I really love the feeling of France, the culture, the people. I have never felt like an "American," not the way other Americans seem to, but I absolutely relate to the French life, the way many of them see the world and live in it, so I think I would make a great Frenchman.
5. What do you want to accomplish? And most importantly, why — what’s your motivation?
Tough question!
* I want to get my weight to 199 pounds and stay there. I want to feel healthy in my body, I want to feel sexier, I want to feel like I can dwell in society without the stigma and burdens of obesity, without poor health, and I really loved feeling healthy and strong in my body during times when I was thin and healthier and more active.
* I want to have a stronger fluency with more languages, especially French and Farsi, perfect my German. I find languages really fascinating, I would love to travel more often, travel in various cultures, and engage people with their language, read books again in their native languages.
* I want to get my Yoga Teacher Certification. I don't remember wanting anything more (other than a PhD in Philosophy) in my life, and I think that my motivation is that I love to teach, I love being healthy and in my body, and I would really enjoy to help people transform their physical and psychological and emotional health for a living.
* I want to travel throughout Europe, Japan, the Middle East, and India. Travel is so exciting and fascinating for me, really comforting for my sense of wonder and self.
* I want to leave behind at least 3 really GREAT literary works
6. What do you want to be remembered by?
* I would like to be remembered for the following things:
a. Being a great and caring professor
b. Being a patron of Music
c. Creating a scholarship that supports philosophy students
d. Being a great thinker, an intellectual of the highest caliber
e. Leaving behind some really powerful writing, a few books, but at least one GREAT book that people turn to and quote from and teach in colleges, and say: "This author understands me!"
f. Being a great lover (serious vanity, I know)
g. Being someone who overcame the early obstacles in life, adapted with and overcame obstacles in the middle of his life, and who set his mark for accomplishing greatness, and achieved it
a. Being a great and caring professor
b. Being a patron of Music
c. Creating a scholarship that supports philosophy students
d. Being a great thinker, an intellectual of the highest caliber
e. Leaving behind some really powerful writing, a few books, but at least one GREAT book that people turn to and quote from and teach in colleges, and say: "This author understands me!"
f. Being a great lover (serious vanity, I know)
g. Being someone who overcame the early obstacles in life, adapted with and overcame obstacles in the middle of his life, and who set his mark for accomplishing greatness, and achieved it
7. What kind of life would “make you jealous“?
* I am often jealous of people who had the money and guidance to help them get from point A to point B. I never had driving lessons, proms, people pay for my College, a stable home environment, money to get fully on my feet, ability to live at home beyond age 18, or even a family to be a part of or go back to, so I find myself being very jealous of people who are successful, but never had to really fight on their own in order to get some place.
* Other than that, I get a bit jealous of people who have their PhD in Philosophy, people who have the money to travel, people who are successful authors or musicians or Yoga teachers, and I think because at best, my life has been a "C+" in these areas, and it bothers me that I never got to get it to the "A+" level. I also get jealous because I "feel" often times that people aren't as deserving of these accolades or rewards or victories as I am. I wish I could stay home for two years, study Yoga full time, travel back and forth to retreats, and get my teacher certification, but I have to work 70 hours a week to survive (right now).
* Other than that, I get a bit jealous of people who have their PhD in Philosophy, people who have the money to travel, people who are successful authors or musicians or Yoga teachers, and I think because at best, my life has been a "C+" in these areas, and it bothers me that I never got to get it to the "A+" level. I also get jealous because I "feel" often times that people aren't as deserving of these accolades or rewards or victories as I am. I wish I could stay home for two years, study Yoga full time, travel back and forth to retreats, and get my teacher certification, but I have to work 70 hours a week to survive (right now).
8. What adventures do you want to have?
* (the question asks you to list five)
a. I want to live in India for an entire year, do my Yoga teacher training there, travel throughout the country, experience as much of the culture as possible.
b. I want to hike one of the major USA Hiking trails, one of those "six months with you, the elements, a tent," kind of personal challenges.
c. I want to travel around the country, following one of my fav bands to all of their shows. I've always wanted to follow a band to every show on an entire tour. I think the Punch Brothers would be PERFECT for this opportunity.
d. I want to study traditional Japanese swordsmanship in Japan. Traveling extensively in Japan, picking up the language, the medieval culture, and having that "Kensei" experience.
e. I want to move to Europe, give up my USA citizenship, and live the last 30-40 years of my life in Europe, preferably in Northern France, maybe Norway, maybe Northern Italy or Switzerland.
f. Menage a ......
a. I want to live in India for an entire year, do my Yoga teacher training there, travel throughout the country, experience as much of the culture as possible.
b. I want to hike one of the major USA Hiking trails, one of those "six months with you, the elements, a tent," kind of personal challenges.
c. I want to travel around the country, following one of my fav bands to all of their shows. I've always wanted to follow a band to every show on an entire tour. I think the Punch Brothers would be PERFECT for this opportunity.
d. I want to study traditional Japanese swordsmanship in Japan. Traveling extensively in Japan, picking up the language, the medieval culture, and having that "Kensei" experience.
e. I want to move to Europe, give up my USA citizenship, and live the last 30-40 years of my life in Europe, preferably in Northern France, maybe Norway, maybe Northern Italy or Switzerland.
f. Menage a ......
9. If you had to add something to humanity, what would your contribution be?
* I would like to restore a greater acceptance of the mystical interpretation of spiritual practice, over religious practice. I think that if I could contribute to the mystical body of religious experience and literature, and pas that on, especially with and in-between Islam and Christianity, I will have made these two religions a lot more peaceful, and added to the conversation of spirituality over religion, which I think would lead to more inter-religious discussion, dialogue, practice, and acceptance.
10. What are your ghosts? Your unspoken demons? The stuff you keep in your closet under a lock? What are you most deeply afraid of? Say it out loud. Get real with yourself. It’s how you conquer them.
*I kept this whole question here because I think it's one of the more difficult and scary ones.
*I definitely bring an entire childhood and early teen years of abuse and violence with me. I no longer dwell on them, but they certainly still dwell on me. Part of the reason I have no (very little) family life is because of this history and because that history isn't atoned for, dealt well with/by my family, so while I no longer embrace a victim identity, that identity hasn't really given up on me. It's also why I am so untrusting, so cautious, why I battle with eating addiction and sex addiction to keep these ghosts at bay. Just because we are done with the past, doesn't mean the past is done with us.
* I also live with a lot of "quitting" in my life. I quit baseball in the middle of my team's playoff game in my Sophomore year; I quit my guitar playing and several bands right when they started getting good (ska thing with my mandolin); I quit my pursuit of a PhD in Philosophy right as it was about to happen; I quit my magickal practice (several times) right when it gets strong; I quit Yoga, I have walked away from friends....my demons are mostly my regrets for quitting things I should have stuck with, mastered, and made excellences in my life. I am definitely haunted by quitting my first marriage, even though it was the right thing to do. I am haunted to the point of ruin that I let my mother give away my Chow Chow dog when I was 19 so that I could live with her, in Florida of all places, and that when I was 31, I left an unhappy marriage under the condition that the dog (a beautiful Siberian Husky) stayed with her. When I was 17, my evil stepfather got custody of my dog, a beautiful and loving Afghan, who was not being taken good care of in our dysfunctional home, and my stepfather put the dog to sleep as soon as he got it. I cry after those three dogs, on a regular basis, more than I cry for anyone I've ever lost in my life. I understand now how people stay in bad relationships, if just to make sure that they get to stay with their kids.
*I definitely bring an entire childhood and early teen years of abuse and violence with me. I no longer dwell on them, but they certainly still dwell on me. Part of the reason I have no (very little) family life is because of this history and because that history isn't atoned for, dealt well with/by my family, so while I no longer embrace a victim identity, that identity hasn't really given up on me. It's also why I am so untrusting, so cautious, why I battle with eating addiction and sex addiction to keep these ghosts at bay. Just because we are done with the past, doesn't mean the past is done with us.
* I also live with a lot of "quitting" in my life. I quit baseball in the middle of my team's playoff game in my Sophomore year; I quit my guitar playing and several bands right when they started getting good (ska thing with my mandolin); I quit my pursuit of a PhD in Philosophy right as it was about to happen; I quit my magickal practice (several times) right when it gets strong; I quit Yoga, I have walked away from friends....my demons are mostly my regrets for quitting things I should have stuck with, mastered, and made excellences in my life. I am definitely haunted by quitting my first marriage, even though it was the right thing to do. I am haunted to the point of ruin that I let my mother give away my Chow Chow dog when I was 19 so that I could live with her, in Florida of all places, and that when I was 31, I left an unhappy marriage under the condition that the dog (a beautiful Siberian Husky) stayed with her. When I was 17, my evil stepfather got custody of my dog, a beautiful and loving Afghan, who was not being taken good care of in our dysfunctional home, and my stepfather put the dog to sleep as soon as he got it. I cry after those three dogs, on a regular basis, more than I cry for anyone I've ever lost in my life. I understand now how people stay in bad relationships, if just to make sure that they get to stay with their kids.
11. What are your favorite memories?
* As ashamed as I am to admit this, there is one huge pool of memories that all blend into one, and those are the first time I ever had sex with a person. I tend to look back on how pure, how much love, need, acceptance, care, wonder there was in those moments when you first touch someone and you get to explore them they explore you. I think that first sex with a person is really a magickal and beautiful thing, and should be treasured in the memories.
* But also, the first day I saw my pets, whether it was the Chow Chow, the Siberian Husky, my cats, especially my cats and the husky, the brightest memories of my life are the days they entered into it. My life is filled with great memories of furry friends and companions.
* Also, my Yoga classes at Asheville, the best Yoga classes I ever had, that great school and community.
* Celebrating the weight loss goals I made at Weight Watchers when I lost 143 pounds.
* The day I got into Yale. I cried like a baby!
* Certain concerts, bands I got to see, shows that have stayed with me.
* Going to France, going to Salem (I always get happy when I go to Salem), traveling (when I'm stressed, the first thing I do is think about when and where and for how long I can get away and see new things, travel). Arriving in India and kissing the feet of the Shiva statue.
* My wedding day with Laura was a great day and a very happy experience. Her family was really GREAT to me, and Laura and I were in this together, and the people who were there were the people we wanted to be there, the (vegan) food was ours, the music was ours, the place was our choosing, and we had struggled so hard to get to this point.
* Being onstage with my bands, playing in front of people, especially when one of my bands played in front of 500 people in Ft Lauderdale.
* The day I got my first Rickenbacker guitar.
* But also, the first day I saw my pets, whether it was the Chow Chow, the Siberian Husky, my cats, especially my cats and the husky, the brightest memories of my life are the days they entered into it. My life is filled with great memories of furry friends and companions.
* Also, my Yoga classes at Asheville, the best Yoga classes I ever had, that great school and community.
* Celebrating the weight loss goals I made at Weight Watchers when I lost 143 pounds.
* The day I got into Yale. I cried like a baby!
* Certain concerts, bands I got to see, shows that have stayed with me.
* Going to France, going to Salem (I always get happy when I go to Salem), traveling (when I'm stressed, the first thing I do is think about when and where and for how long I can get away and see new things, travel). Arriving in India and kissing the feet of the Shiva statue.
* My wedding day with Laura was a great day and a very happy experience. Her family was really GREAT to me, and Laura and I were in this together, and the people who were there were the people we wanted to be there, the (vegan) food was ours, the music was ours, the place was our choosing, and we had struggled so hard to get to this point.
* Being onstage with my bands, playing in front of people, especially when one of my bands played in front of 500 people in Ft Lauderdale.
* The day I got my first Rickenbacker guitar.
12. Who do you love the most? What 10 people would you put on a lifeboat in case of a universal tsunami / asteroid / zombie attack or any other realistic end of the world? Make a list.
* It would be hard for me to fit 10 people on a boat, because I am so distant, I think that boat would be really empty. Initially, I think that Laura and my cats would be on it. If I were allowed to put friends on it: Sweeney, Brandi, Shauna, Catherine, are my closest confidants, the people I go to when I do break down and need to talk to someone, but I don't know what sort of community that would make.
* Man, this quiz is making me realize what a lonely, unlikeable, fucker I am.
13. What worries you the most? Why?
* Ever since I left my first wife I have been TERRIFIED of not being able to support myself. the reason I work so much is because I am scared I wont be able to pay bills, pay rent, keep my life together. It was so great to have someone who paid the bills and took care of responsibilities with money before, but now I'm in that position, and I am constantly scared and worried about money and safety. I'm terrified of needing the help of strangers, of being homeless, of losing my cats, of being an older adult male with no where to go.
* I am worried, somewhat, about my health, that I could run my body into the ground again. While I have really good genes, I have run my body down pretty hard twice now, and I'm afraid of doing it again.
* I am somewhat worried that I'm gonna wake up one day and not want to go any further and then I would have to face a long emotional recovery time. These days I feel like I am really on the edge of the pressures from the last few years just breaking free, crumbling into a pile of tears.
* I'm afraid that getting my physical, emotional, and professional life together would mean an end to my marriage, and I think that keeping things the way they are is me clutching onto not losing someone I am really in love with.
14. What type of people inspire you and make you come alive?
* I am really inspired by two types of people: a. People who become experts in their field because of the dedication to their craft (Chris Thile and Alan Moore are the two best living examples I can think of) and b. People who leave their security and safety behind and go after their dreams. I think of chasing my dreams all the time, but I also worry about giving up my security and safety and then everything falling apart. It was so hard to put my life back together when I did that in 2011, and I really respect the amount of fear and care and work it took to get to where I am now, so I'm not ready or brave enough to risk being the sort of person I want to be, especially if it costs me my marriage.
*The type of people who inspire me are the ones who leave the grind behind, go after their dreams, and become masters of their craft while doing so.
15. What type of people bring you down and make you hate yourself?
* People who sell out, especially yuppies, really bring me down, which I think is more of a reflection of myself, what I hate about myself more than anything else.
* I tend to not like really wealthy people, people who don't use their wealth to help other people.
* I am a bit surprised I have so many people in my life who love and listen to Hip Hop or who eat meat, because I have no room in my heart for letting new people like that into my life. I have such little respect for Hip Hop that I would never sleep with someone who seriously liked that sort of music (or maybe I'm projecting from my first marriage a bit too much....gotta have standards, always remember your standards).
* I tend to not associate with people I don't like, I am quick to cut people out of my life, so I don't have people in my life that I need to break up with, but there are certainly partners and friends of people who I really like that I would have words with if I could still keep the relationship intact.
16. Who are your mentors? What have they taught you?
* I have this love-hate relationship with my mentors because, while I am VERY grateful and indebted to their teaching, I tend to find that I want more from them then they are able to give me. I think that for the longest time I was looking for a father (mine is a cunt) and for a substitute mother (mine is a basket case), and that I would enter into a new student-mentor relationship, would grow and transform, and then would want more from that person than they could give me. Sometimes, those mentors, sensing this need, took advantage of that need to be loved, which has left me very on-guard about entering into new ones (I was supposed to work with a famous poet/writer last year, but I new right from the start that besides the writing care, I was going to be looking for the mother-lover archetype in her as well, and so I backed away before I could get hurt, which kept me from a really valuable experience with a great writer and mentor).
This being said, I am indebted to the following people for all I learned from them:
* Jeremiah Conway (who taught me philosophy and ferocity and to "gird my loins")
* Kathleen (who was my therapist for three of the most difficult years of my life, and who taught me good mental health from bad mental health, even if I don't often listen to that advice anymore)
* Christopher Noel (who taught me about the integrity of a writer, and most importantly, to follow your dreams no matter how much the world laughs at you.
* Wesley "Wes" Wildman (who taught me theology and philosophy, and in such a short time, taught me compassion, professionalism, caring, and who forever will be my model of a Theologian. I would give anything to have not left my program with him, and studied by his side for the rest of my life.
* Joe Taft (who taught me Yoga, love of teaching Yoga, and how to care for the needs of your students--most people illustrate or lead Yoga classes, but he taught the class, and taught the persons taking the classes).
* Rick Stickles (who taught me Aikido from age 15-18, and who forever will be my model of chasing the martial arts dream).
* Pete Mischekowski (who taught me about Vampires and Magick and dark places in the soul, while remaining a good person--he separated good and evil, day and night, for me).
* I have left out a few people, who, while they were essential to my mentoring and learning, ended up hurting me in the end.
17. What is your cosmic elevator pitch? Not your job description, not your professional bio, not your resume, not your About page. But if you got in an elevator on a spaceship that tours the galaxy and you could say anything you wanted about yourself, what would you tell your elevator mates? In short, who are you – raw, unedited, wild, ordinary and extraordinary you? What does it come down to? And why?
* This reminds me of something I once read in a Kabbalistic text:
"All of Kabbalah can be summarized as: What's your name? Why did you come here? How did you get lost? When do you want to go home?"
I usually tell people, "I'm a professor, I teach classes in Composition, Rhetoric, Literature, sometimes Philosophy and/or Writing." Or I tell people, "I really like music, into Americana, new Bluegrass, College Rock from the 80's and 90's, quite a bit of Gothic music as well." Or I tell people, "I'm a Vegan, I'm really into Veganism and animals," or I tell people things like "tattoo culture, eating, museums, ceremonial magick."
In the words of Rumi, "I am in the state of lucid and astounded confusion. I don't know who I am."
There was once a time I could say, "I'm a Yogi, Mystic, and Writer," and that was TRUE because I had focused my entire life into that tiny box, got rid of everything else, and those were my only focuses. But these days, it would be hard for me to point to any one thing, or organized group of things. Parts of my fractured identities come and go, appear and disappear. I've lost that sense of unity, and I think that, as Wes Wildman once said so insightful of me, "You're broken, as a human being you're broken, and because you've suffered so much abuse and betrayal, because no one stood by you, not even yourself, when you needed them most, your entire life will be focused on finding Unity, finding Atonement, and if it isn't, you're going to be wandering in the desert of your barren soul for a long time."
The words that really resonate with me, that I often return to are: wild, mystical, wanderer, madman (the way Nietzsche was a "Madman"), philosopher, existentialist, magician. When I say these words, they sound TRUE to me, they have real value with me, and I think I can definitely use these terms to represent what I really vibrate with, what I mostly resonate at my core with.
18. What issues can you help with?
* I think that there are few issues in this world that being a Vegan can't solve. Cruelty, Misogyny, Environmental Concerns, Violence, are all wrapped up in that one lifestyle. I am definitely NOT the best Vegan, and I certainly have the Vegan Police guilt to back that up, and I don't even think that I really want to be a Vegan (don't get me wrong, I don't want to eat beef, pork, chicken, turkey, duck, goat, or eggs, nor consume milk, but I REALLY miss seafood, my body craves it unrelentingly, and whenever I do eat it--about once a month--my body and brain feel SO MUCH better....I also have no problem with cheese from Italy and France) anymore but am only staying so for my wife.
* I do support a lot of bands, a lot of animal charities, I adopt a Turkey every year, send money to help struggling bands make CDs, support art projects, send money to cat sanctuaries, get museum memberships, so my money does go into progressive ventures to help people and animals, OH! and I also treat my money like a vote, so I don't buy products from companies that I think are evil.
* I could do definitely be doing more, especially with inner city youth and homeless shelters and animal shelters, the causes I really care about, but I'm limited on time and resources.
19. How can you express yourself creatively?
* I can definitely write (fiction and nonfiction; I'm a total slob at poetry, though it's my fav), I can play guitar really well, mandolin kind of okay, I can write songs like no one's business, and when I apply myself, I can achieve a certain level of artistic painting skills. I can also cook REALLY well.
20. How do you manage your time? What works for you?
* I don't do a great job of managing my time. I crowd lots of busy time into tight spaces and then collapse when those times open up. For example, this last semester I taught 7 classes, was constantly busy, and then when December came along I pretty much achieved NOTHING for the next five weeks, just stayed home and sulked, all gloomy. I could have done so much more with that time. Unfortunately, I make myself SO busy that when there is free time, all I can do is collapse, exhausted and worn out. There is no down time in my schedule: this semester I only have one day off per week! I am always teaching, prepping, grading, emailing, and that means when school is not in session I am trying to desperately catch my breath.
* The tougher part is that for me to be creative I need spans of time; I'm no grinder. I need to be able to put weeks together, or strings of days each week, to count on for being creative, and when that happens I can crank out HUGE amounts of creative work, or do a great job taking care of myself. So, without the ability to navigate my time better, with less stress and work, I feel like time kind of rules over me, not the other way around.
21. If you were to leave the world today, what’s your manifesto?
* I think that if I were to leave the world today, while I would be remembered by my cats, and occasionally some students, I don't think anyone would remember me or miss me all that much. That's not much of a manifesto, not one at all actually, but I think right now that would be an honest assessment of my mark on this place.
* I think of the term "manifesto" like Marx's famous Manifesto; it should be a call to arms and action, and I don't know if I have one anymore. Back in the days when Yoga or Ceremonial Magick or Mysticism ruled my life, I feel like I did have something "like" a Manifesto I was working on, some sort of example of personhood that was worthy of passing on to others as an example. These days, I wouldn't follow myself into a bathroom stall, let alone a battle. Shouldn't a person's life be their manifesto? Shouldn't a person's life be the rallying cry to arms for a better, more active, more passionate way of being? Every first kiss is a manifesto of the excitement of life to come! Every time you go down on someone, you are whispering the song of love in Radha's ears.
* I thought I wanted to be more political, more philosophical, and this last year I really gave myself to pushing those boundaries and ideas, and then it ended up being such a lonely and isolating life, lost so many friends, and I realized that politics, even some aspects of the philosophical life, are nothing more than creating a louder language in which to say "I love you" to the people you really care about.
* If I had a manifesto, if some sort of wisdom could be carved out of my life's example it would be that, at the least, I leapt after I was confined for too long, I resisted after I was held a prisoner, I fought back after I was beaten down. When in doubt, I fucked.
22. What makes you come alive? What ignites you?
* Music. I can lose myself in my music like nothing else. I discover a new band, or fall in love with a CD or a band, and forget it, hours can go by, weeks can go by, and I am totally sparked alive. I remember when I used to play in bands, and our practices would be 6 hours long, and it felt like we were only playing for 15 minutes, or we would be on stage for 2 hours, and it felt like we had just walked on. back in the days, I could take out my 12-string guitar, or my Rickenbacker, and play for so long, that I would forget to eat all day, I would play with such abandon and careless bliss, and when it was over, exhausted, I felt like I had done something meaningful with my life.
* When I have the time to write, I can write non-stop for 8,10,12 hours, without stopping, getting into that magickal zone where you become your characters and your stories. I miss having the time to lose myself in my writing for days and days and days.
* Seduction. I don't do this anymore (obviously!), but I remember how ALIVE seduction felt, going from knowing someone to getting to KNOW someone. Few things made me come alive like that feeling of "is it gonna happen? Oh, yes, it WILL happen"
* Cooking. This is pretty much as close to therapy as I come these days. When I'm having a tough day (or life), or I want to surrender to the iPod player and lose myself, I just get cooking. It is a real wonder sometimes, why I never became a pastry chef.
* Traveling! I love to pack, head for the train/bus/plane and take off. I think that Travel is what really gets the gears greased for me, gets me going, and when I am exploring new things, new places, when I am away, on the move, on adventure, I feel like life is back in love with me again.
23. What are your most painful memories?
* My childhood was.....terrible. It was worse than I think most people realize. Childhoods like mine turn people into prostitutes and heroin addicts, it leads to people putting a bullet in their head, and believe me, those are still ideas that are on the table for me as viable life options (although one of those three, already done). It's hard to explain to someone that when you think of your childhood you think of TERROR, and that when you talk about the happy times in your childhood you are only talking about the cracks in the pavement, not the pavement itself. I really hate people who adopt victim identities as their primary identity, but I'm sure that the lack of acknowledgment from family, from perpetrators, from the people who were flippant with what happened to children, who are excusatory to the perpetrators, are certainly shrapnel still living in my soul.
* Losing my dogs definitely hurts still, and it keeps me in fear to keep my cats and I together.
* Theresa. Out of all the women I've ever loved, I have only LOVED two, and one of them wounded me so deeply that it signaled an end of "Nice Guy" me, it made me stop trying to be good and decent and faithful, and I think that, despite that it was 15 years ago, every relationship, every relationship situation, still is seen, in some way, through the window of how much damage a person can do to you if you give them your ALL.
24. Why do you eat the way you eat and the things you eat?
* I eat (mostly) vegan because that's how my wife eats. I would definitely become an Auyervedic Vegetarian, or even a Pescetarian, if my wife were to leave me. Don't get me wrong, I love the Vegan food that I eat, and I DON'T miss meat and eggs, and non-violence is a very important symbol for my life, but I just feel very "Mediterranean" in my eating, my body has always been healthiest when it has eaten that way, and my "good" memories from childhood are all tied up in seafood and Central Italian.
* I eat too much because I learned to trade food for love at a very young age.
* I recently learned that I eat so much (and weigh so much) as a way to signal to others that this body, this soul, is in distress, it is in the state of unhappiness and basic survival.
* I am very adventurous in my eating, love to try new foods from new cultures(as long as I can eat the food) and I do envision myself, someday, traveling the world, eating street food, and mixing food with friendship, culture, and love.
25. What ignites your brain?
* Music. This is becoming a pretty consistent answer to most of these questions. LOL! But yes, music sets the mood for so many things in my life, and it really defines the pace of my day, the spaces in-between my day, how I am dwelling in my life, in my world; who I am representing myself as to the world around me.
* Good food! I get very excited by trying new foods, or really well made food, and I must admit, especially when they are Vegan friendly.
* Sex. The impact of sex on my life as a motivator (that sometimes runs out of control), as a way of seeing myself and expressing myself, is certainly something that gets the gears going for me.
* Wine. I actually find Wine to be very inspiring for my wilder creative side.
* Coffee. These days I have a love-hate relationship with Coffee (reconsidering if my lymphatic system is burnt out, and if I've drunk so much coffee, am drinking so much coffee that my body is exhausted because of it), but nothing gets the creative juice flowing like really good coffee. I can write 40 pages on nothing but two pots of coffee.
* Day-dreaming of traveling, traveling, or going off into solitude to travel a bit. I am definitely someone who writes a lot, gets inspired a lot by being far from home to create. This is something I need to do more of this year.
26. What physical exercise makes you sweat it like you mean it and enjoy both, the process and the afterward feeling?
* Yoga. It is the best exercise to sweat and suffer and feel like you actually worked out. It has to be a heated room, but there is nothing like a Hot Vinyassa-style Yoga room to get the body feeling God-like again.
* Long-Distance walking. I LOVE to walk and hike, and getting in 7-8 miles is pretty much a norm in setting out to cover some miles for me. For a while, I used to walk 11-12 miles a day! If I lived in a warmer climate where I could walk year-round, I would definitely walk everyday and make it my primary form of exercise.
* Aikido and Japanese Swordsmanship. I think about going back to this all the time, but I don't have the time in my schedule to commute all the way across the city to get to class, train for 2 hours, and travel all the way back. I used to LOVE these types of martial arts, love the discipline and Samurai-like expression of the arts, and plus, it was a great work out.
27. What does your body need in order to function at its best?
* From a food standpoint: my body needs four meals a day, needs non-meat and eggs food, needs lots of leafy greens and tomatoes and fruits, needs to stop eating by 7:00pm, needs very little (or none) processed sugars and white flour foods, no soda or candy, no hard alcohol. A perfect day for my body would be: Baked home fries with Kale and Onions, glass of fresh squeezed OJ for Breakfast, cappuccino for a snack, Quinoa with avocado and veggies for Lunch, Biscotti, Pear, and Coffee for late afternoon snack, Whole Wheat pasta with mushroom marinara sauce, Italian salad and steamed broccoli on the side, 1/2 oz of dark chocolate and 2 cups of grapes for dessert.
* Exercise. An ideal day would be 75 minutes of Hot Yoga and 3 miles of walking.
* Sleep: if I could get 7 hours a day of uninterupted sleep, which NEVER happens, that would be perfect. Going to bed at 9:00pm, getting up at 5:00am, and actually sleeping during that time, would be wonderful for me. I barely sleep 4 hours a night.
* Body needs: Neti Pot, two HOT showers a day, Rose Water for my eyes, oils for my skin, clean clothes, clean air in my bedroom, sex 3-4 times a week, more laughter, to be held on a regular basis, massage once a week, sauna once a week.
* One day off each week to sleep the entire day and recover from working out and weekly matters, have that be my one TV day, and watch really good, thrilling TV shows.
28. What feeds your spirit? What gives you goosebumps? What makes you fall down to your knees in awe (and weep)?Is it god? Religion? The universe? Science? Starry nights? Philosophy? Nature? Music? Art? It has to be higher than a person (than you), and surpass your understanding. There is no awe without mystery.
* Music. I'm sitting here in my office, listening to a playlist of my fav songs from the 90's, songs I've heard probably 100 times, and still, those first notes of the Dambuilders' or Guadalcanal Diary or Sugar, and it's like I'm hearing them for the first time. I think that music is really my Divinity, as far as feeling something Divine in my life everyday. I especially love new bands, when a fav band makes a great new recording, really great street musicians, going to the Symphony: It absolutely refuels my entire "soul." Live performances also have this magickal recharging power.
* Nature. I like being in the mountains, smelling wood-burning stoves in the distance, a warm quilt on a cold, naked in bed, autumn day watching the snow fall all over the valley, I love forests of birch trees, I love scenic views, I love feeling that I can talk to trees, or that I can relate to trees.
* Museums, seeing ancient art and treasures. I go CRAZY when I see something that I never thought I would see in person (like the first time I saw the Mona Lisa or the Code of Hamarupi or a real Mithraeum: I cried like a baby). I would also put great art into this category.
* Nude women. The female body is proof of something greater, something holy and sacred and good in the world, and I never get tired of looking at the female body, in all of its forms. Even better when they are in person.
* Philosophy. Whether it was my Descartes phase, my life-long love of Nietzsche, my Heidegger or Husserl phases, or my current infatuation with Wittgenstein (who is starting to cause some serious internal conflicts for me), reading philosophy, becoming intimate with a Philosopher has a real power over me: transformative and re-invigorating.
* Magick used to be the fuel for my spiritual needs, and mix esoteric practices with mystical ones, and I was really empowered. The problem is that I don't have the free schedule these days of the absent-minded magician, or the privacy of one, and while I do find myself returning to Kabbalahism or Enochiana or the Mystical Christian traditions from time to time, it seems to "come and go," but when it's here, it is POWERFUL.
29. What are you proud of so far? What have you accomplished?
* I have my BA. I graduated with a 3.78 gpa. I was a double major, minor in Creative Writing. I got into Yale, I graduated with my MA from Yale. I went to BU (though I did not graduate). I went to VCFA and graduated from there. I'm pretty proud of my academic accomplishments, although I would love to have my PhD as well.
* I didn't stay in the same town, or area, or state that I grew up in, and that's a trap that I feel like I really escaped from.
* I'm proud that I traveled all the way to India by myself, though not proud that I didn't stay.
* I'm proud that I have been supporting myself since I was 18, I have been paying my own way, and no one has had to pay my way for me in life, I didn't stay at my parents or family as I was an adult.
* I'm proud that I overcame the small-minded and racist world and family that I came from, and that I educated myself, and that I overcame that sort of mental prison that confines people their whole life.
* I have been a professor for ten years now, and at this stage I have been responsible for educating over 2000 students at this stage.
* I won a writing award, I've had a few things published, but nothing great yet.
* I am my own person, for the most part, and that wild independent streak is something I am very proud of, and that I am VERY sensitive about. I gave parts of that away during the year of my first marriage, and at times I give some of that away in my current marriage, but being my own person is something I hold in high regard.
*Sadly, I don't feel like I've accomplished much in the last few years. I'm due for something BIG.
30. Fast-forward to your epitaph.
* "Here is DM: he was a great teacher, writer, world traveler, intellectual, and patron of philosophy."
18. What issues can you help with?
* I think that there are few issues in this world that being a Vegan can't solve. Cruelty, Misogyny, Environmental Concerns, Violence, are all wrapped up in that one lifestyle. I am definitely NOT the best Vegan, and I certainly have the Vegan Police guilt to back that up, and I don't even think that I really want to be a Vegan (don't get me wrong, I don't want to eat beef, pork, chicken, turkey, duck, goat, or eggs, nor consume milk, but I REALLY miss seafood, my body craves it unrelentingly, and whenever I do eat it--about once a month--my body and brain feel SO MUCH better....I also have no problem with cheese from Italy and France) anymore but am only staying so for my wife.
* I do support a lot of bands, a lot of animal charities, I adopt a Turkey every year, send money to help struggling bands make CDs, support art projects, send money to cat sanctuaries, get museum memberships, so my money does go into progressive ventures to help people and animals, OH! and I also treat my money like a vote, so I don't buy products from companies that I think are evil.
* I could do definitely be doing more, especially with inner city youth and homeless shelters and animal shelters, the causes I really care about, but I'm limited on time and resources.
19. How can you express yourself creatively?
* I can definitely write (fiction and nonfiction; I'm a total slob at poetry, though it's my fav), I can play guitar really well, mandolin kind of okay, I can write songs like no one's business, and when I apply myself, I can achieve a certain level of artistic painting skills. I can also cook REALLY well.
20. How do you manage your time? What works for you?
* I don't do a great job of managing my time. I crowd lots of busy time into tight spaces and then collapse when those times open up. For example, this last semester I taught 7 classes, was constantly busy, and then when December came along I pretty much achieved NOTHING for the next five weeks, just stayed home and sulked, all gloomy. I could have done so much more with that time. Unfortunately, I make myself SO busy that when there is free time, all I can do is collapse, exhausted and worn out. There is no down time in my schedule: this semester I only have one day off per week! I am always teaching, prepping, grading, emailing, and that means when school is not in session I am trying to desperately catch my breath.
* The tougher part is that for me to be creative I need spans of time; I'm no grinder. I need to be able to put weeks together, or strings of days each week, to count on for being creative, and when that happens I can crank out HUGE amounts of creative work, or do a great job taking care of myself. So, without the ability to navigate my time better, with less stress and work, I feel like time kind of rules over me, not the other way around.
21. If you were to leave the world today, what’s your manifesto?
* I think that if I were to leave the world today, while I would be remembered by my cats, and occasionally some students, I don't think anyone would remember me or miss me all that much. That's not much of a manifesto, not one at all actually, but I think right now that would be an honest assessment of my mark on this place.
* I think of the term "manifesto" like Marx's famous Manifesto; it should be a call to arms and action, and I don't know if I have one anymore. Back in the days when Yoga or Ceremonial Magick or Mysticism ruled my life, I feel like I did have something "like" a Manifesto I was working on, some sort of example of personhood that was worthy of passing on to others as an example. These days, I wouldn't follow myself into a bathroom stall, let alone a battle. Shouldn't a person's life be their manifesto? Shouldn't a person's life be the rallying cry to arms for a better, more active, more passionate way of being? Every first kiss is a manifesto of the excitement of life to come! Every time you go down on someone, you are whispering the song of love in Radha's ears.
* I thought I wanted to be more political, more philosophical, and this last year I really gave myself to pushing those boundaries and ideas, and then it ended up being such a lonely and isolating life, lost so many friends, and I realized that politics, even some aspects of the philosophical life, are nothing more than creating a louder language in which to say "I love you" to the people you really care about.
* If I had a manifesto, if some sort of wisdom could be carved out of my life's example it would be that, at the least, I leapt after I was confined for too long, I resisted after I was held a prisoner, I fought back after I was beaten down. When in doubt, I fucked.
22. What makes you come alive? What ignites you?
* Music. I can lose myself in my music like nothing else. I discover a new band, or fall in love with a CD or a band, and forget it, hours can go by, weeks can go by, and I am totally sparked alive. I remember when I used to play in bands, and our practices would be 6 hours long, and it felt like we were only playing for 15 minutes, or we would be on stage for 2 hours, and it felt like we had just walked on. back in the days, I could take out my 12-string guitar, or my Rickenbacker, and play for so long, that I would forget to eat all day, I would play with such abandon and careless bliss, and when it was over, exhausted, I felt like I had done something meaningful with my life.
* When I have the time to write, I can write non-stop for 8,10,12 hours, without stopping, getting into that magickal zone where you become your characters and your stories. I miss having the time to lose myself in my writing for days and days and days.
* Seduction. I don't do this anymore (obviously!), but I remember how ALIVE seduction felt, going from knowing someone to getting to KNOW someone. Few things made me come alive like that feeling of "is it gonna happen? Oh, yes, it WILL happen"
* Cooking. This is pretty much as close to therapy as I come these days. When I'm having a tough day (or life), or I want to surrender to the iPod player and lose myself, I just get cooking. It is a real wonder sometimes, why I never became a pastry chef.
* Traveling! I love to pack, head for the train/bus/plane and take off. I think that Travel is what really gets the gears greased for me, gets me going, and when I am exploring new things, new places, when I am away, on the move, on adventure, I feel like life is back in love with me again.
23. What are your most painful memories?
* My childhood was.....terrible. It was worse than I think most people realize. Childhoods like mine turn people into prostitutes and heroin addicts, it leads to people putting a bullet in their head, and believe me, those are still ideas that are on the table for me as viable life options (although one of those three, already done). It's hard to explain to someone that when you think of your childhood you think of TERROR, and that when you talk about the happy times in your childhood you are only talking about the cracks in the pavement, not the pavement itself. I really hate people who adopt victim identities as their primary identity, but I'm sure that the lack of acknowledgment from family, from perpetrators, from the people who were flippant with what happened to children, who are excusatory to the perpetrators, are certainly shrapnel still living in my soul.
* Losing my dogs definitely hurts still, and it keeps me in fear to keep my cats and I together.
* Theresa. Out of all the women I've ever loved, I have only LOVED two, and one of them wounded me so deeply that it signaled an end of "Nice Guy" me, it made me stop trying to be good and decent and faithful, and I think that, despite that it was 15 years ago, every relationship, every relationship situation, still is seen, in some way, through the window of how much damage a person can do to you if you give them your ALL.
24. Why do you eat the way you eat and the things you eat?
* I eat (mostly) vegan because that's how my wife eats. I would definitely become an Auyervedic Vegetarian, or even a Pescetarian, if my wife were to leave me. Don't get me wrong, I love the Vegan food that I eat, and I DON'T miss meat and eggs, and non-violence is a very important symbol for my life, but I just feel very "Mediterranean" in my eating, my body has always been healthiest when it has eaten that way, and my "good" memories from childhood are all tied up in seafood and Central Italian.
* I eat too much because I learned to trade food for love at a very young age.
* I recently learned that I eat so much (and weigh so much) as a way to signal to others that this body, this soul, is in distress, it is in the state of unhappiness and basic survival.
* I am very adventurous in my eating, love to try new foods from new cultures(as long as I can eat the food) and I do envision myself, someday, traveling the world, eating street food, and mixing food with friendship, culture, and love.
25. What ignites your brain?
* Music. This is becoming a pretty consistent answer to most of these questions. LOL! But yes, music sets the mood for so many things in my life, and it really defines the pace of my day, the spaces in-between my day, how I am dwelling in my life, in my world; who I am representing myself as to the world around me.
* Good food! I get very excited by trying new foods, or really well made food, and I must admit, especially when they are Vegan friendly.
* Sex. The impact of sex on my life as a motivator (that sometimes runs out of control), as a way of seeing myself and expressing myself, is certainly something that gets the gears going for me.
* Wine. I actually find Wine to be very inspiring for my wilder creative side.
* Coffee. These days I have a love-hate relationship with Coffee (reconsidering if my lymphatic system is burnt out, and if I've drunk so much coffee, am drinking so much coffee that my body is exhausted because of it), but nothing gets the creative juice flowing like really good coffee. I can write 40 pages on nothing but two pots of coffee.
* Day-dreaming of traveling, traveling, or going off into solitude to travel a bit. I am definitely someone who writes a lot, gets inspired a lot by being far from home to create. This is something I need to do more of this year.
26. What physical exercise makes you sweat it like you mean it and enjoy both, the process and the afterward feeling?
* Yoga. It is the best exercise to sweat and suffer and feel like you actually worked out. It has to be a heated room, but there is nothing like a Hot Vinyassa-style Yoga room to get the body feeling God-like again.
* Long-Distance walking. I LOVE to walk and hike, and getting in 7-8 miles is pretty much a norm in setting out to cover some miles for me. For a while, I used to walk 11-12 miles a day! If I lived in a warmer climate where I could walk year-round, I would definitely walk everyday and make it my primary form of exercise.
* Aikido and Japanese Swordsmanship. I think about going back to this all the time, but I don't have the time in my schedule to commute all the way across the city to get to class, train for 2 hours, and travel all the way back. I used to LOVE these types of martial arts, love the discipline and Samurai-like expression of the arts, and plus, it was a great work out.
27. What does your body need in order to function at its best?
* From a food standpoint: my body needs four meals a day, needs non-meat and eggs food, needs lots of leafy greens and tomatoes and fruits, needs to stop eating by 7:00pm, needs very little (or none) processed sugars and white flour foods, no soda or candy, no hard alcohol. A perfect day for my body would be: Baked home fries with Kale and Onions, glass of fresh squeezed OJ for Breakfast, cappuccino for a snack, Quinoa with avocado and veggies for Lunch, Biscotti, Pear, and Coffee for late afternoon snack, Whole Wheat pasta with mushroom marinara sauce, Italian salad and steamed broccoli on the side, 1/2 oz of dark chocolate and 2 cups of grapes for dessert.
* Exercise. An ideal day would be 75 minutes of Hot Yoga and 3 miles of walking.
* Sleep: if I could get 7 hours a day of uninterupted sleep, which NEVER happens, that would be perfect. Going to bed at 9:00pm, getting up at 5:00am, and actually sleeping during that time, would be wonderful for me. I barely sleep 4 hours a night.
* Body needs: Neti Pot, two HOT showers a day, Rose Water for my eyes, oils for my skin, clean clothes, clean air in my bedroom, sex 3-4 times a week, more laughter, to be held on a regular basis, massage once a week, sauna once a week.
* One day off each week to sleep the entire day and recover from working out and weekly matters, have that be my one TV day, and watch really good, thrilling TV shows.
28. What feeds your spirit? What gives you goosebumps? What makes you fall down to your knees in awe (and weep)?Is it god? Religion? The universe? Science? Starry nights? Philosophy? Nature? Music? Art? It has to be higher than a person (than you), and surpass your understanding. There is no awe without mystery.
* Music. I'm sitting here in my office, listening to a playlist of my fav songs from the 90's, songs I've heard probably 100 times, and still, those first notes of the Dambuilders' or Guadalcanal Diary or Sugar, and it's like I'm hearing them for the first time. I think that music is really my Divinity, as far as feeling something Divine in my life everyday. I especially love new bands, when a fav band makes a great new recording, really great street musicians, going to the Symphony: It absolutely refuels my entire "soul." Live performances also have this magickal recharging power.
* Nature. I like being in the mountains, smelling wood-burning stoves in the distance, a warm quilt on a cold, naked in bed, autumn day watching the snow fall all over the valley, I love forests of birch trees, I love scenic views, I love feeling that I can talk to trees, or that I can relate to trees.
* Museums, seeing ancient art and treasures. I go CRAZY when I see something that I never thought I would see in person (like the first time I saw the Mona Lisa or the Code of Hamarupi or a real Mithraeum: I cried like a baby). I would also put great art into this category.
* Nude women. The female body is proof of something greater, something holy and sacred and good in the world, and I never get tired of looking at the female body, in all of its forms. Even better when they are in person.
* Philosophy. Whether it was my Descartes phase, my life-long love of Nietzsche, my Heidegger or Husserl phases, or my current infatuation with Wittgenstein (who is starting to cause some serious internal conflicts for me), reading philosophy, becoming intimate with a Philosopher has a real power over me: transformative and re-invigorating.
* Magick used to be the fuel for my spiritual needs, and mix esoteric practices with mystical ones, and I was really empowered. The problem is that I don't have the free schedule these days of the absent-minded magician, or the privacy of one, and while I do find myself returning to Kabbalahism or Enochiana or the Mystical Christian traditions from time to time, it seems to "come and go," but when it's here, it is POWERFUL.
29. What are you proud of so far? What have you accomplished?
* I have my BA. I graduated with a 3.78 gpa. I was a double major, minor in Creative Writing. I got into Yale, I graduated with my MA from Yale. I went to BU (though I did not graduate). I went to VCFA and graduated from there. I'm pretty proud of my academic accomplishments, although I would love to have my PhD as well.
* I didn't stay in the same town, or area, or state that I grew up in, and that's a trap that I feel like I really escaped from.
* I'm proud that I traveled all the way to India by myself, though not proud that I didn't stay.
* I'm proud that I have been supporting myself since I was 18, I have been paying my own way, and no one has had to pay my way for me in life, I didn't stay at my parents or family as I was an adult.
* I'm proud that I overcame the small-minded and racist world and family that I came from, and that I educated myself, and that I overcame that sort of mental prison that confines people their whole life.
* I have been a professor for ten years now, and at this stage I have been responsible for educating over 2000 students at this stage.
* I won a writing award, I've had a few things published, but nothing great yet.
* I am my own person, for the most part, and that wild independent streak is something I am very proud of, and that I am VERY sensitive about. I gave parts of that away during the year of my first marriage, and at times I give some of that away in my current marriage, but being my own person is something I hold in high regard.
*Sadly, I don't feel like I've accomplished much in the last few years. I'm due for something BIG.
30. Fast-forward to your epitaph.
* "Here is DM: he was a great teacher, writer, world traveler, intellectual, and patron of philosophy."
31. What is the meaning of life?
* I tend to believe that life is an extension of consciousness, and that all we ever experience is an extension of consciousness that we are aware of, or seek to become aware of. At our best, our lives about experiencing the love and joy of being with others, and experiencing consciousness in harmony with them. At our worst, we deny the consciousness of others, and feel isolation and defiance from them. In the grand scheme, I think we experience both, lovers and enemies, the good and the bad, all are projections of us, of our ability to be conscious and experience consciousness, and if we work hard, if we struggle and seek for the source of pure consciousness, we get to experience a real bliss of the unity of being One with others, with the source of pure consciousness. We come here in order to return.
* If none of that is true, then we are here to live a meaningful and purpose-filled life, one filled with joy and wisdom and wonder, one where we love deeply, fuck hard, travel far, read deeply, dance wildly, one where we chase after and accomplish our dreams, and leave behind no regrets, only the realization of our great work and living example of life-embodied-by-spirit.
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